Ministry Friendships Beyond Pastors

One of the topics that is often spoken about in conferences for pastors and others in ministry is friendship. Plenty of books and blog posts have also been written on the importance of having friends, who are also in ministry, who can encourage, challenge and help you. I think it’s a completely necessary to have good friendships in ministry, a brief look at church history will leave you in no doubt of the benefit of godly friends. However, I feel that there is always a neglected element to friendship in ministry.

It’s often said that fellow pastors can share their own experiences and they will understand you better than those outside of ministry. It’s argued that others in ministry understand better than most the demands on a Pastor, his time and his family. Therefore, the conclusion is to make friends with Pastors. To be honest, I get it. I struggle with it as an introvert and a man with a busy diary and family life, but I get it. However, there’s something missing. It’s almost as if friendships with fellow pastors is elevated over friendships with folks in secular work.

So I’m here to say, build friendships with those in secular work! Why? We’ll there are a few reasons:

1. You will get an insight into how most of your congregations lives are on the day to day.

If those in ministry only surround themselves with others in ministry, how can they care for a church family who are probably (for the most part) in paid employment in a secular job? Sure you can go off your own previous experience, but that isn’t necessarily enough to know what the working world is like today and the particular cultural struggles of an office in today’s world. Anything that Pastors can do to better understand, know and support their congregation members they should do it.

2. They will be able to help with ideas and organisational things that seminaries and Bible colleges probably don’t teach.

So often churches and church leaders do things that they have done in previous churches or heard about ‘working’ in well-known churches. If a sermon series worked there, why not do it here. If a particular work pattern worked there, let’s adopt it here. We’ve always done it that way, so why change it.

All of the above are common ideas and things that you see in churches, and it’s not necessarily bad to ‘copy and paste’ them, if the motivation and the attitude behind it all is right.

Bible colleges and Seminaries don’t necessarily teach you how to lead people well, they don’t teach you how to handle the dynamics of a staff team and how to work on continuous professional development, goal setting or vision casting for a church. But for many people in secular work, that’s what they do day to day. Sure, the church shouldn’t be run like a business, but we would do well to listen to the wisdom of those in secular work and their experience.

3. They might not know exactly what you’re going through but they can be a listening ear outside (or inside) the church who you know will pray for you.

It can almost be easier to speak to someone outside of your own church context who can listen and be a big prayer support to you in ministry. A person’s helpfulness and ability to listen is not based on their employment, but when we prioritise friendships with a certain group and not others that’s what we’re saying.

4. It means that we have less of a ‘Pastor’s Club’ which can produce a very unhealthy culture.

If we should have learnt anything from the scandals in the church in recent years, it’s that nobody is above accountability and the church shouldn’t be a club with secret deals and under the table handshakes.

When pastors are only interested in being friends with other pastors it can create an ‘us – them’ mentality. Pastors are called to be servants of the flock, shepherd who care for them, teach them and pray for them, not ‘perfect’ people who sit on a pedestal who only speak with others up in their lofty heights.

So, Pastors, go find and invest in friendships with others in secular work.

I have a friend, in secular work, who is a massive help, encouragement and prayer support for me. We went through seminary together, throughout our degree he worked his secular job and I was in pastoral ministry. Our friendship not only helps me in ministry as he advises and encourages me, but it stretches me to consider how different my life is to someone who works in secular employment. Every time I meet up with my friend or we chat, I’m reminded again how good it is to have good and godly friends, both inside and outside of ministry.